We are called Julivius. A scholar. A son to my parents. The older brother to my younger brother. An old friend to my high schoolmates. A student to our professors. A student to our teachers. A tutor to our pupil. A senior to juniors and a junior to seniors. A stranger to most people living on earth.

We might call ourself as a boy who still on an ongoing process of exploration. It might not last forever. A jack of some trades… once upon a time. Learned some bits here and there, and then it mixed through daydreaming. A good example of the Dunning-Kruger effect. At least part of me thought that way. The other sides disagreed. Our organs didn’t really care about it.

According to our friends,

Some would claim us as a serious person. Some would claim us as a playful human. There are those who saw us as a reliable individual. There are those who saw us as a dishonest creature. Several friends knew me as a silent being. Others would know as an upbeat living soul. Most strangers would agree they never heard my name until the very moment of the question.

Sometimes we act as if we are a pushover, a yes-man. Other times we spoke our mind blandly. Sometimes we are not confident about ourself until our insecurities have their own insecurities. Other times we are so sure that we are being too optimistic and despite that still give in our best. Sometimes we consider action so thoroughly that even without any plan is part of the plan. Other times we dive in with both feet and just see what is on the other end.

All of them are me.

Multiple identities. Multiple characters. There is no core character inside me who is more me compared to the other me.

When I accept the fact that I am comprised both of my achievement and my failures, both of uphill and downhill, both of nightmares and sweet dreams, and both of struggle and peace, I start to see less of myself as an impostor, a hypocrite, a fraud, and a bluffer. As perfect as a human can be, I am (or We are) paradoxical.

Photo by Carson Arias on Unsplash